Being in the line of work that I am in, and with my professional skills being those that are in high demand by groups and organizations who seek out volunteers it is at times challenging for there to be a constant regarding my embracing my true self. I have to keep Him caged aside from the professional outlets that occasion themselves enough that He is able to stretch and get some exercise, but there is always the leash and control that must be exercised. He cannot just be set loose and free to explore and run. He had become dormant. And by that I mean there wasn’t a spark there when something that would have previously triggered Him.
I am not sure what it was that re-sparked this, is it just that I have cycled around to it. Is it a subconscious thing? Is it the situation with Dakota? And if it is, how do I put the separations in place that are needed to avoid my falling down the rabbit hole that I did with lo that led to extreme issues not all that long ago?
I maintain that the perfect occupation for me would be as a spanking therapist. A happy middle of the road between my innate Dominance and my desire to be a mentor Dom when I am in practice. It truly isn’t a sexual thing at all times with me, yes with sweetness it is very much a sexually charged D/s thing. I want to make her squirm sexually, beg for release and eventually take my cum where I elect to give it to her. The sight of her in ropes, cuffs, etc gets me hard, and yes the idea of reddening her squirming rear as she moans is about as exciting a thing as I can imagine. Aside from that though, aside from her, being a Dom has never been about sex to me. It’s about helping to get the young women I have taken the mantle of “Big Bro” with to be the best that they can be and overcome whatever it is that they struggle with. It’s ranged from not wanting to “adult” because it would require responsibility and thus sacrificing the comfort of being expected to screw around and not get things done, it could be a prior absence of strong male presence that could bre relied upon, it could be a struggle to release the pressure and expectations from an occupation that is so stressful and demanding in the leadership that is expected of the person, and now, most recently it is a young woman who wants to be the “adult” and carry the load for a young man that she “loves” but in all reality is immature and selfish in himself and his actions have led to a legally enforced timeout at the local pen. As a result this young woman has sacrificed self care and has even considered engaging in behaviors that otherwise she never would and ones that I would honestly seek permission from sweetness to take her to task and redden her ass if she actually ever did them. This young woman is a lot like my sweetness in that anxiety has a cruel grasp at times and when it grabs on it doesn’t release easily and sometimes must be struggled out of her.
I am not sure what help I will prove to be to her, what I can justifiably do without sacrificing time that is rightfully sweetness and the Captain’s, but this is again a little sister who is lost and adrift and honestly I wish I could force a breakup which would free her from some confines and set her with another person who would be able to meet the responsibilities that I have seemed to have taken on with her.
In any case, I have found myself being heightened in terms of Him being observed and lurking in my mind, front and center. The cage I keep Him in when not in use is seeming to weaken and eventually he may slip out. I just hope I haven’t forgotten the verbal commands for internal use to keep Him in check when He is released.