Adrenaline Rollercoaster

Most anyone who reads this blog has likely heard of the term “drop”. Whether referring to the D,T,M side of things or the s,b,s side. I have seen Sweetness and others I have had varying dynamics with go through it, and I admit there has been a time when I had it and due to my partner’s inexperience had to work through it myself.

As a quick summation “drop” is an experience dealing with brain chemicals adrenaline and endorphins which spike when in a perceived intense scene and then fall away afterwards. This is part of the reason aftercare is important as it allows both partners to attempt to prevent the drop and also be on the lookout for it.

Symptoms and treatment I think is fairly well covered here.

With that important PSA out of the way, back to the regularly scheduled blogging. About two weeks ago I was involved in a week long jury trial for a rather serious sex offense. Much like in the scene, when any attorney who gives a damn goes into trial he experiences adrenaline and endorphin highs. I personally have them from about Saturday-Sunday on and through trial during the day and it is normal to carry through. My sweetness has termed it almost as if I am positive manic. During that case I would actually experience minor drops that resulted in the sleeplessness described in the link. The trouble with engaging in litigation, which let me say aside from family and dynamic time is probably the most fun thing ever for me, is it ends in one form or another. I was successful in the trial with the jury out on what the prosecutor had called a slam dunk case for 30 minutes before returning the NG, and as one experiences when they have a big success or are deeply invested in a sports team that wins a championship or big game, I got a huge endorphin rush.

Now something to really understand about litigators I have spoken to, the spike lasts only as long as it is “in our control” meaning that once the closings are done and its time to give the case to the jury, BOOM out goes the floor and the rapid drop is initiated. I was fortunate that the jury took so little time to see things my way and I got the added boost from a win.

Yesterday was the completion of another even more serious sex trial which would have resulted in a mandatory life sentence for my client. Another almost weeklong trial that I began working almost as soon as I finished trial above, which means you still have that little buzz of adrenaline and endorphins because like a child waiting for a promised exciting event you have something to look forward to. This jury was decidedly less expedient in seeing things my way. They were out from 9 AM until about 650 last night. Again another win and bump in Adrenaline and endorphins.

I am exhausted, the ups the downs, the here’s and there’s. And I start another trial that will likely go 4-5 days on Monday so took the night off last night and begin again. BIG DROP from the combination of coming down and exhaustion. I remember walking into the bathroom, I remember getting into the shower, and then I next remember becoming aware I am sitting on the floor of the shower with sweetness naked behind me and rubbing my shoulders as her wet body pushed against my back and gently humming/singing Fifth Harmony. Let’s just say the rollercoaster went back up the hill.

So I apologize for being absent fairly recently and promise to be back to more regularity soon, but I must admit I look forward to next week as I imagine I will have about as close to scene fun with the liars the state is putting forward against my client and of course the agreed upon promise that sweetness will be waiting at home to do more work after the trial.

Advertisements

Confessions of a Dominant

One of the biggest complaints that My Mrs who shall henceforth be known by what she is called in our dynamic/relationship sweetness, has is that she doesn’t know what I am thinking at times. Given my job, the stoic appearance and blank expression that gives away nothing is valued and vital. I have told her that I would write my thoughts so she would know but that the expectation was that she would serve by being her and not trying to “fix” something if I didn’t feel it was timely or broken, but that I would speak with her about it. A confession in my field is not something we look forward to seeing when we are given discovery as it normally means that we have some acrobatics to engage in to have it given a heave ho otherwise our client is likely headed to conviction despite any other best efforts. That said I think that this confession if she follows the rules could be helpful to her and while we Doms vary maybe it offers a little insight to any subs, brats, lg’s, slaves, etc that follow me.

Here is the confession I gave to her about my inner thoughts:

  1. The fact you think so highly of me is at times a weight because it causes me to second guess and more closely examine my decisions.
  2. The silence you hear when you and I are coming off an exchange is me processing and evaluating to make sure I am not leaving you broken or in a place where harm could come to you either physically or mentally.
  3. My permitting you access to touch me unless I expressly place myself off limits is one of the greatest endowments I can give.
  4. Placing me on a pedestal as you do is like putting a cracked plate on display, as long as you appreciate I am broken and not perfect but are still willing to show me off and hold that revelry for me I am ok with it and my apprehension about it is restrained.
  5. Punishing you is the single hardest thing I have encountered, the thought of purposefully inflicting negative stimuli to you causes pause until I can prove in my mind that it’s best long term and meets needs to overcome the want to always make things positive and pleasant for you.
  6. While I may correct it at times, your fire and independence are some of your greatest assets.
  7. Your ass is a very nice asset as well.
  8. I love when you find your knees and kneel beside me without any prompting, it feels natural and pure.
  9. You are Mine, but I could never feel that I own you. You are Mine because you allow yourself to be Mine and hand me the keys to the being that is you anytime we interact.
  10. Those times you catch me looking at you with my piercing eyes and not saying a word, but my eyes appear to be penetrating to your very soul as I study you, I am likely lost in thought and contemplation about how insanely in love with you I am and addressing the still and likely permanently lingering question of are you really Mine and if so why, and do I deserve it to be so, and if so how do I keep being deserving of being so endowed.
  11. My mind is a scary place that it a lot like a blender where those who stumble in unaccompanied can be sucked in, shredded beyond repair, and poured out a mound of goo.

Mrs

I recently was inquired about Mrs and asked to do a post where the delete button is removed from use and I just write without taking the JD approach of drafting and re-drafting and so on so here we go.

Mrs is like the sun. She is bright, warm, and ever present. She can also be ever present and thus over extended and thus burn herself out leaving darkness and death. When I met Mrs I was engaged in my summer job that led to my being involved in assisting her brother who has a special need. This project required I see Mrs in a tasteful one piece bathing suit and to say I was smitten as teen boys are is an understatement. Beautiful steel blue eyes, an easy smile that just makes you want to, and wild blonde mane. Beyond that she is a petite gal who I dwarf, though in fairness not many people aren’t made to look small by me. Her voice has a softness to it that made me always picture her as a mother.

I made an advance at her following the project and whereas she indicates she didn’t hear my offer or appreciate her response’s intonations to an intimidated 15 year old boy I felt she had shot me down and that she was to be placed in the don’t think about it zone.

I don’t think she knows this or not but I saw her, I saw her at the school crutching around after her cheerleading fiasco that put her out of commission. I saw and I watched and I desired her. But no actual acting on the thoughts, wants, desires took place. I’ve always been someone who noticed the rear end of women and Mrs was certainly a 10 in that regard. During the subsequent year she helped the foreign languages teacher as a TA and came into the class daily to assist and one day came in wearing what can only be described as something straight from a school girl fantasy. Mercifully the teacher didn’t call it out in front of everyone but I am told she spoke to both of us individually. Mrs to tell her not to wear something that distracted students as much and me to remind me I need to be studying the language not her TA.

Due to advancement on my part with my studies I ended up sharing a class with her and the people in her grade (she is a year ahead of me in school). More desire, more struggling to hide the craning of the neck to watch that amazing backside. In a class where I was mocked for being younger and the butt of a lot of jokes she was someone I tried desperately to befriend and try to cultivate something, anything. But it wasn’t to be and another year passed. I was invited to her graduation party, and I was going to go, but I chickened out.

I realize now I am just talking about her, I am not doing this assignment justice. Mrs is both the bane of me and completes me. Noone on earth can totally get me, I am too fragmented and distorted, but she, she accepts it all. Not a person on earth gets full access to me and physical contact with me, but she, she has broken the barriers. Whereas other touches are repulsive and infuriating, she has a magic to her touch. Something I want more of and crave. She has a feminist and independent mind, but a soul that has a natural submissiveness to it. Like an animal as wild as her hair, there just needs to be patience and trust established.

I know every inch of her, I know the buttons to push both physically and emotionally. I have seen her broken and disheveled, and I have more than once been the cause. I have seen her fight our relationship, I have had to anchor her to us, but then there are times when no force could separate us or our souls.

It has been suggested perhaps another I was in D/s with is my person. I had a sexual and kink chemistry with this person that was white hot and furiously felt good in a superficial sense, but it was very physical and the mind connection still exists of course but at the end of the day it was pure Id there was nothing there beyond it wasn’t spiritual when I remove the extra stuff. Then there is Mrs, who I am certain feels me writing this or at least my connecting to her mind. Its been proposed perhaps there is a conflict between destiny and honor going in my mind currently. I don’t think its an incorrect proposal but I think what the conflict is caused by is the reconciliation that they involve the same person, My Mrs.

A lesson in taking the lead

With us both being professionals and highly visible in the community due to my ongoing political aspirations and exposure it is by the Grace of God that our outward protocol is seen by many as just a continuance of the old fashioned small town habits of a nice conservative Christian young couple. It is without question if I want control over it, I can have it.

Since our little man was born I have elected to allow Mrs. to call the shots in regards to his care and how he is handled by the childcare providers he stays with. In that vein I have also supported Mrs to the childcare given they are usually my family providing the care and I am normally the person picking up and dropping off.

The other day we were are the regular providers house and there was an issue that occurred where our little man was trying to lay on the providers large black lab. To put this in context, the lab would likely die before hurting or snapping, but given that we have two rescue pups with known traumas in the past and we both have strong backgrounds in responsible dog ownership (That really wasn’t meant to be as snootastic as it reads but I can’t find the otherwise fitting phrase to put there) we don’t allow rough housing with dogs or other animals. Mrs corrected the little man and the provider then indicated/corrected Mrs that that wasn’t how she worked with him. Mrs said nothing, and so I said nothing.

Later that evening as we were going to bed Mrs looked at me and requested that we step away from the dynamic a second so we could speak out of protocol. This NEVER happens so to say I was a bit concerned is an understatement. She indicated she was disappointed with me not stepping in and correcting the provider today when the provider corrected her. She continued that she felt I didn’t have her back and that I was possibly otherwise not doing what she had asked when I was to pass messages to the provider or give instructions to the provider about the little man’s care.

After taking a moment I looked at her and indicated that this was an area that due to her having more recent experience with small children and babies along with what i believe to be a maternal instinct I had from the start elected to allow her to take the lead in the care and rules for rearing our son. I told her that I do pass on every request, instruction, order, edict, etc. she gives regarding him. And that I also support her in her decisions unless I disagree and we are alone and can discuss it.

“So why didn’t you do something when little man was with the dog and the care provider said that?” She asked in a hurt and demanding tone.

Because with taking the Dominant leadership role comes the onus of stepping up when you are present and need to assert yourself. I have allowed you to set the rules, and protocol about his care. I have and always will back you up. But when you are present I expect with that leadership role I have given up taking for myself that you will stand up just as I do for my leadership. You were there and had you said something and it not been received well I would have if not already while you were talking input my agreement with you and insistence that your rules be fulfilled.

It is easy for the submissive in a relationship to take for granted the work that goes into being a Dominant partner, just as it is hard at times for Dominant’s to keep track and measure of the submissive duties and their toll. That is why sometimes I really am glad for the ability for Mrs and I to take a step back and have these learning opportunities. It keeps us honest, and the relationships both Mr/s and D/s strong.